Twenty years ago my job got ridiculous.

On the banks of Loch Lomond I persuaded a brewery boss not to shoot bears which had climbed trees to evade eviction. Spared the bullet, those Cameron Park residents were sent to various zoos.

Last year my job got more ridiculous. I was back at the bonny banks trying to stop Scottish Enterprise Dunbartonshire spending £3.5 million of public money converting a concrete castle into another zoo. I contemplated my options over a German beer in the Spanish bar within the American style shopping mall, watching tourists buy fois gras from Jenners and brie from French market stalls obscuring views of the artificial shoreline. A taste of Scotland!

It got more ridiculous. Merlin Entertainments claimed
they would house indigenous wildlife in
 Drumkinnon Tower, providing an educational experience.

The first "indigenous" critters revealed were
Asiatic otters from another Merlin attraction.

I suggested these were native only so far as Clydebank cinemas had screened Finding Nemo and Jaws and caviar is sold in lochside hotels. Merlin corrected me. Clyde built ships sailed waters inhabited by these exotic creatures. I had failed to spot the obvious reason for exhibiting paying-punter pulling species in this locally relevant educational facility.

Merlin confused National Park with Theme Park. They were talking Yogi and Boo-boo, not Muir and Roosevelt.

Then it got bizarre. Merlin’s marine biologist declared the Powan "A fresh water herring that is pretty unique to Loch Lomond. In fact Loch Lomond and Loch Long are the only places in the world where it can be found."

Any marine biologist worth their salt knows Loch Long is a sea loch and Powan would not survive there. They should also know Powan are indigenous to Loch Eck and lakes in Wales, Russia, Finland, Sweden, Norway and Germany and have been introduced to Loch Sloy and the Carron Reservoir.

Scottish Enterprise Dunbartonshire is desperate to offload the Drumkinnon Tower white elephant. Merlin will run it as an educational red herring within a concrete theme park. Animals and fish will be exploited. Local habitat will be at risk from pollution and alien animals. Visitors will leave confused, perhaps to go fishing for Lemon Sharks at Luss or Clown Fish in Cameron Bay.

I have asked SEPA and Scottish Water to monitor the removal of 250 tons of waste material from underneath Drumkinnon Tower. This could be contaminated with dangerous residues from the Turkey Red Dye and bleaching works which occupied the site for over 100 years.

Instead of an outdated zoo, Drumkinnon could be transformed into a valuable educational tool and visitor attraction. Modern technology could connect Lomond Shores visitors to the real wildlife and heritage of the Trossachs. Instead we are left with yet another commercial carbuncle conning cash out of tourists and abusing animals for so-called entertainment. John F. Robins, Campaigns Consultant to Animal Concern.

QUIZ ANSWERS 1.Inveruglas. 2. Lennox. 3.Duncryne. 4. 43 .5. Inverarnon. 6. Inchlonaig. 7. MacGregor.

8. Ross Priory. 9. Inchconnachan. 10. Colquhoun